Please Ignore The Five Or Maybe Even Six People Who Like My Book. Thanks!

[George Berger]

Okay, here's the deal:

See, I've got a new book - here on Amazon.com, or here on Amazon.co.uk - that just came out this week. It's an eco-thriller, more or less. A book about boring stuff like hopes, and dreams, and secrets. A book about trite abstract concepts that nobody in the real world can relate to, like life, and love, and lies.

A book with a major character who never speaks a word. A book whose protagonist has a strange and amusing sexual dysfunction. A book with decidedly unwholesome things like underage drinking, hot sex, arson, and homemade explosives. A book with an extremely simple and linear plot that's entirely obvious halfway through the first chapter.

It's really not very good at all, if I do say so myself. Extremely boring. Nothing much happens, other than the sex and terrorism and stuff, and nobody really wants to read about that, I'm sure.

It's also absurdly expensive. Like, what the hell was I thinking? You'd have to be nuts to spend $2.88 on a full-length novel. (Or ten whole dollars on a paperback copy, the most hateful gift you could possibly inflict on someone who likes to read.)

In the past, I've subtly hinted that it'd be really awesome if you'd buy my books. I've asked nicely. I've begged. I've cajoled. I've tried to make you laugh. I've begged some more. I've pleaded. I've whined desperately. I may have even threatened, once or twice.

That's all hard work, and it hasn't been very productive, either.

So, this time around, I'm trying something a little bit different.

Whatever you do, please, for the love of cured sausages, whatever you do, I'm absolutely serious, do not consider reading Without A Spark. Don't visit the book's website. Don't click here if you're a Kindle owner in the UK.

It's a very boring book that isn't very good at all, and you wouldn't like it one bit.

Also, this post - which I absolutely don't want you to read one word of, or bookmark, or share with your friends - is not in any way whatsoever a cynical attempt at reverse psychology at all.

Honest.

I mean, just because I write fiction, do you really think I'd lie to you?

P.S. I will be extremely cross if you follow me on Twitter against my wishes. Don't. Just... don't.

Thank you very much. For nothing, of course.

[Ann in Arlington]

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[Steverino]

"It's a very boring book that isn't very good at all, and you wouldn't like it one bit."

Nice try.   

I did everything you told me not to.  You may be on to something.

[JBarry22]

I see what you did there... you... you... you're a funny guy, you. 

[George Berger]

Shamelessly bumped, so that more of you can, um, wantonly disobey my wishes.

Also, the first reviews are in, and I expressly forbid you to click that link and see how bad they are. No, I mean it. And yes, I mean you.

 

[George Berger]

Okay, never let it be said I'm unreasonable. Go ahead, click on the reviews in the post just above. Just this once. Read them, even. That's what they're there for, right? See for yourself how they, improbably, seem to really like Without A Spark.

It's okay. I don't mind. Honest. Go, click, read. I'll still be here when you get back...

Just, look, please, don't let the positive reviews sucker you into actually buying and reading it, okay? You're not that easily fooled. Right? Right.

[George Berger]

Eep, a third positive review...

This book reminds me of early Neal Stephenson, specifically Zodiac and Cobweb. It's creative, perhaps a bit gonzo, and the author clearly knows what he's talking about. It isn't one of those books where the author did half an hour of wikipedia reading and then made stuff up.

Please, I beg of you, dear readers - do not let these suspiciously positive reviews influence you or your reading habits.

Continue to ignore my book, continue to ignore my book, continue to ignore my book...

[George Berger]

Keep up the good works, readers. You're doing me proud. 

(A reminder: Without A Spark is a very lackluster thriller. The fact that several people have liked it is in no way a reflection on its dubious quality.)

[George Berger]

Hey, look, another inexplicably happy review on Amazon:

Really enjoyed this one... It was well written with a unique and enjoyable plot.

Don't believe the lies, folks. You clearly have much more refined tastes than the folks who've already read Without A Spark...

...right?

[George Berger]

More suspiciously positive review:

...some funny, clever moments...draped in front of a good plot, clear writing, and unique characters that I haven't seen before...

The plot unfolds nicely, Berger does a good job of avoiding info dumps and gives us what we need know at the right time...

If you are biased against self-published authors, here are a couple of points to assuage your angst: the book was formatted correctly and I didn't find any typos...

Don't worry - they're just an amateur sockpuppetreviewer, so their thoughtful insights won't influence anyone into, gasp, buying Without A Spark. (Also easily ignorable here for those in the UK.)

Oh, and in case I haven't mentioned this recently, there is a horrible and grotesque paperback edition available, which would make a great present for your boss, mother-in-law, or other unloved one. It's overpriced at $9.95 USD, but, well, that's life, isn't it?

[George Berger]

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

A fifth or maybe even sixth reader (it's hard to correlate Amazon reviewers with bloggers' nicknames, sometimes. Also, I'm an English major, so math and I are kinda, eh, you know...) seems to have enjoyed Without A Spark. I find this highly suspicious, but maybe they know something I don't:

The author displays a masterful use of humor, suspense, action, and plot twists to deliver this incredibly wonderful story...

A Goddess of Literature reviews Without A Spark.

Yes, it's still less than three dollars. Just think of all the much more rewarding things you can spend that money on, and then, please, do the right thing and don't buy my book.

Thanks!