Critique My Blurb, Please

[sbaum4853]

New novel titled The Homecoming Masquerade will be ready to roll next month. Working on the description. Would appreciate any comments or criticisms you have:

In a posh suburb of the nation’s capital, at the most exclusive high school in the world, the vampires who run the government from behind the scenes have created a game for America’s daughters of privilege. Show up to Homecoming in a black dress and you’ve entered yourself in a fundraising contest where the winner lives forever, and the loser becomes the winner’s first meal.

Only the wealthiest, most connected students can raise enough money to win, so when new girl Nicky Bloom wears a black dress to Homecoming, everyone assumes she has a death wish. They don’t know that Nicky has her own agenda. Nicky Bloom is a spy for the resistance. She has come to Washington not to join the vampires, but to kill them. 

[ImmortalInk]

New novel titled The Homecoming Masquerade will be ready to roll next month. Working on the description. Would appreciate any comments or criticisms you have:

In a posh suburb of the nation’s capital, at the most exclusive high school in the world, the vampires who run the government from behind the scenes have created a game for America’s daughters of privilege. Show up to Homecoming in a black dress and you’ve entered yourself in a fundraising contest where the winner lives forever, and the loser becomes the winner’s first meal.

Only the wealthiest, most connected students can raise enough money to win, so when new girl Nicky Bloom wears a black dress to Homecoming, everyone assumes she has a death wish. They don’t know that Nicky has her own agenda. Nicky Bloom is a spy for the resistance. She has come to Washington not to join the vampires, but to kill them. 

I suck at critiquing these things, but please be careful if you edit this. I very rarely and "sold" based on a pitch, but you got me with this one. Good luck with it and please let me know when it's available for sale. You have my permission to mail me to buy a copy lol. And I can see it as a movie too. Really awesome idea. Way to go

[CB Edwards]

I'd drop the last two lines.

[adammjohnson]

I'll admit that vampires are not my genre, so I may not be the single best judge of the appeal of your blurb, but:

I like the first paragraph--though you might cut the words 'from behind the scenes' as I don't think they add much. (If you feel the need to indicate secrecy, include the word 'secretly' in front of 'run the government.')

I'm not quite sure why, but I think the second paragraph may give out a little bit too much information. Just indicating that the character knows exactly what she is doing and is there for a reason might pique the reader's curiosity more than the blurb as included.

Also I obviously don't know exactly how integral it is to the plot, but 'fundraising' does not immediately make me think of adventure or action. You might not emphasize it.

So I suppose  I'd suggest something like:

In a posh suburb of the nation’s capital, at the most exclusive high school in the world, the vampires who secretly run the government have created a game for America’s daughters of privilege. Show up to Homecoming in a black dress and you’ve entered yourself in a contest where the winner lives forever, and the loser becomes the winner’s first meal.

Only the wealthiest, most connected students can hope to win, so when new girl Nicky Bloom wears a black dress to Homecoming, everyone assumes she has a death wish. They don’t know that Nicky has her own agenda...

Anyway, I hope that some of that is helpful. Good luck!

[ErikHyrkas]

Hello, fellow Minnesotan.  I'm not remotely qualified to help, but will try.  Feel free to ignore me.  I've spent the last five days working on my own blurb.  I'm only here to procrastinate.

My first thought is, I believe blurbs create the most tension from third-person present tense.

"the winner lives forever, and the loser becomes the winner’s first meal" doesn't flow for me because of the double winners.  I might try "the winner lives forever, and the loser becomes dinner."   Maybe I need to work on my reading skills.

I'm not super fond of the "new girl Nicky" part.  Consider the simpler alternative, "so when Nicky Bloom wears a black dress ..."

Another person suggested dropping the last two sentences.  I agree.

I'm not a very skilled writer, so I wouldn't pay too much attention to me.

[sbaum4853]

good suggestions from all so far. thanks!

[sbaum4853]

I suck at critiquing these things, but please be careful if you edit this. I very rarely and "sold" based on a pitch, but you got me with this one. Good luck with it and please let me know when it's available for sale. You have my permission to mail me to buy a copy lol. And I can see it as a movie too. Really awesome idea. Way to go

Thanks for the kind words! I'll be sure to let you know when it's out!

[Sophrosyne]

I love the blurb as is. Count me in as one of the people who want to know your release date!

[MichMasoch]

I love the blurb as is. Count me in as one of the people who want to know your release date!

Same here. It sounds like an interesting story.

Great blurb. 

[Sebastiene]

New novel titled The Homecoming Masquerade

I'm thinking you only have seconds to grab someone's interest... and it might be tighter if you lead with the end. People care about people in jeopardy, not an unfair or unusual system as much.  If you rearrange it, you can add one bad thing on top of another that directly affects your main character, which might do a better job of making the reader worry about the main character--and want to read the book. So would it work if you tried something like the following?

Nicky Bloom is a spy for the resistance (and she's only XX years old?). Vampires run the government from behind the scenes, and at the most exclusive high school in the world just outside the nation’s capital, she's the only one (young enough?) who has a chance to stop a sick game the vampires are playing with defenseless girls. Show up to Homecoming in a black dress, and you’ve entered yourself in a contest where the winner lives forever, and the loser becomes the winner’s first meal.

Who wants to live forever? Not Nicky. She's come to Washington not to join the vampires, but to kill them--if she can/if they don't kill her first.  

And again, what do I know? But your title has two long words in it that don't have a lot of menace. (And "masquerade" is hard to spell, and makes me think of romance novels.) I don't have the world's greatest suggestions for an alternative, but a few things that at least jump to mind focus on the iconic dress (like The Black Dress), or the vampires, or the fact that, either way, both the winner and loser are going to die (so, Dying in a Black Dress).

I hope that helps. The very best of luck to you!

[sbaum4853]

So helpful. Wish I could put the whole book up here for critique. Thanks everyone.

[Deanna Chase]

So I suppose  I'd suggest something like:

In a posh suburb of the nation’s capital, at the most exclusive high school in the world, the vampires who secretly run the government have created a game for America’s daughters of privilege. Show up to Homecoming in a black dress and you’ve entered yourself in a contest where the winner lives forever, and the loser becomes the winner’s first meal.

Only the wealthiest, most connected students can hope to win, so when new girl Nicky Bloom wears a black dress to Homecoming, everyone assumes she has a death wish. They don’t know that Nicky has her own agenda...

Anyway, I hope that some of that is helpful. Good luck!

I like this suggestion. When I read the blurb, I thought the first sentence was too wordy. This solved it. I also don't think the fundraiser part is that important in the blurb. Good luck. Be sure to let us know when it's out. I'll be in line as well.

P.s. I just spent two days working on my own blurb for my next book. They ain't easy.

[Steve Silkin]

It's pretty good as is. But here's a quick stab at an edit:

At an exclusive high school in a posh suburb of the nation’s capital, the vampires who run the government from behind the scenes lead a ritual: Girls who wear a black dress to the homecoming dance join a fundraising contest. The winner lives forever and the loser becomes the winner’s first meal.

When new girl Nicky Bloom dresses in black on the big night, everyone assumes she'll be the loser. They don’t know that Nicky has her own agenda as a spy for the resistance. She has come to Washington not to join the vampires, but to kill them. 

[Liz Davis]

I wish I could help but I'm terrible at writing blurbs. But I also think you should stop at "...Nicky has her own agenda..."
I love the story and would also read it.
Good luck with the book.

[sbaum4853]

I really appreciate how generous you all were with your time on this thread. Lots of good suggestions to work from. Thank you everyone.

[Shiromi]

The first paragraph seems a little too wordy to me, while the second paragraph is much tighter, but also might reveal a little too much. You know the story better than I do, so maybe it isn't too much at all. I like the idea of leading with the ending. I think if you do that, and tighten it up a little, like others have suggested, you'll have a blurb that will grab readers. It grabbed me, that's for sure!

[MeiLinMiranda]

Keep the focus on your lead character, in this case Nicky--start the blurb with her, not the set-up. sbaum's run at it is the best here so far.

The basic formula, and I know, I sound like a broken record:

--Who is your protagonist?

--What does she have to do?

--What will happen if she doesn't do it?

Answer those questions and you're halfway there.

[sbaum4853]

With all of your help, here is the blurb I decided on:

In a posh suburb of the nation’s capital, at the most exclusive high school in the world, the vampires who secretly run the government have created a game for America’s daughters of privilege. Show up to Homecoming in a black dress and you’ve entered yourself in a contest where the winner becomes a vampire, and the loser becomes the winner’s first victim.

Only the wealthiest, most connected students can hope to win, so when new girl Nicky Bloom wears a black dress to Homecoming, everyone assumes she has a death wish. They don’t know that Nicky has her own agenda. As the dance continues into the night, they will find out that Nicky Bloom is far more than she seems.

As you can see, many of the suggestions from this thread, particularly the idea of not giving away too much with the final sentences, were incorporated into the final version. I'm so thankful to have this community to turn to for help!

I'm PM'ing all of you who had asked to be notified of when the book was out, because it's out now! I've put it free through Monday. Amazon product page here.

[bxs122]

I'd bring Nicky Bloom out early and center most of the blurb around her.

[jljarvis]

...She has come to Washington not to join the vampires, but to kill them.  

Oh, good. Glad you cut this. It was a little too Julius Caesar for me.
(I come to bury vampires, not to praise them.)

I guess you've already locked it in, but I still think it sounds a little too laid back. For example, as I read it, I was rolling along: posh Wash. burb, 'kay...exclusive high school, got it...WAIT! WHAT? Vampires are running the nation?!* HOLY CRAP!   But you just kind of slipped that in like it was business as usual.

I agree with MeiLinMiranda that you should lead with Nicky, big time. And this is pretty high concept stuff, so it seems like it ought to have more punch.

EDIT:
* But then again, this explains so much about the Republican primaries. It all makes so much sense to me now.   

[sbaum4853]

* But then again, this explains so much about the Republican primaries. It all makes so much sense to me now.   

Ha!

Although I'm calling the blurb done for now, I'll roll this new input around in my head for a bit and see what comes out.

[Eliza Baum]

Thanks for the update. I somehow didn't catch this thread back in December, but I'm glad I saw it now. The blurb caught me hook, line and sinker, and I just downloaded it.

[jljarvis]

What? This was from December? How did I end up reading it today? Um. Never mind. (Note to self: read the dates.)